This month there will be two years since we’ve came for the first time in NL, as tourists, to feel the vibe of the so known Amsterdam, to smell, to see the civilization we’ve saw so many times in documentaries. At that point in time we were not thinking about leaving RO to live in another country, the thought passed through our minds several times, but we always stopped it and just went on with our lives.

Easier as it seemed at the beginning, the time flown so quick and I find myself here, in the middle of the night, on the couch, in Haarlem, somewhere at the end of Europe if you look at the map from Romania. Noises are coming from outside, in the interminable silence that lays around our neighborhood. I cannot stop thinking about the steps we’ve made and the accommodation process which seems a never ending story. Dutch is a language I find hard to learn, even if I am able to understand several things, I am totally unable to reproduce something else than the basic conversation. The new job in a Dutch company is still something I am trying to integrate in my life and personality: having somehow freedom it can be tiring sometimes. Another thing I am working on is not to be shy and to simply go and ask different people about their work. I am used with another kind of style, the responsibility was of a certain person, but now I need to reduce my red from my cheeks and simply present myself and start telling different stuffs. It is a totally new thing for me, a east European, coming from environments with rules, bosses, serious work.

But am I truly gone? I imagined that moving to a new country will change something essential in me. I went with the image of new experiences and new life style, but I find myself, now, the same as always. The life style changes are the hardest ones I can make: I am unable to ride a bike, I get so bored at gym, I can eat salads for 5 days and in week-end to eat junk food from each corner. The first year meant change, I’ve read many books from the 300 I brought from Romania, I refused to watch TV and series, I was energized to visit more and more. After the tough winter I find myself exactly the same as in the previous years: watching TV more and more, feeling bored of going out, stumbled with the apathetic mood of not seeing, not hearing, not feeling.

The thing that no one says when you move to a new country is the loneliness that will crash your heart. The pure state of loneliness, in which you will be so many times with yourself, bored and tired of hearing the same thoughts all over again. Making friends is a damn hard process, especially when you are already formed and come with a good background in criticize. When the world you are used to live in is created in such a way to cover your needs, the bubble you design over the years, moving into a new country means taking each single step from the beginning. And the worst part is that nobody is saying that there’s no returning. Because the life you had before stopped, is not there anymore. It’s not like you go back to school after a summer vacation. You are not you anymore.

Am I gone? I am with a leg there, with a leg here. I love my life here, now, after one year, I found friends, I discovered and confronted with a lot of fears. Now I am able to go alone to the cinema, I am able to drink coffee alone and I am able to spend time in such a way I was too tired to do it before. But I cannot stop thinking about the life that would have continued back there.